I ALWAYS FEEL LIKE SOMEBODY'S WATCHIN' MEEEEEE!

THEY BUILD US UP TO TEAR US DOWN.

The candor in a toddler in unparalleled.  It's one of the things I love about them, actually, but damn!...Harrison can really put the truth on you.  Sometimes it's something so SO sweet that I think he must be drunk.  That's when his father compliments me mostly.

He (Harrison) will take my face in his hands, stare into my eyes and say "Mommy, you look sooooo beautiful!"  Usually this happens in the morning when I have Edward Scissor Hands hair and am wearing a retainer.  Sometimes he will tell me I'm wearing a lovely dress when I am actually wearing a threadbare old t-shirt.  Or he will tell me I smell nice when I am still soaked in underboob sweat from my workout.

Other times...times when I think I have it pulled together and can be seen in public, he will comment about my appearance in a way that is not quite as flattering.

He just asked me again about my belly the other day.  You can read about his original obsession with my belly at IS THAT BELLY SQUISHY?!?  This new conversation centered around the way a mommy's belly stretches big so that her baby can grow inside.

Harrison wanted to know if my belly had "unstretched" all the way.  He kept asking "Has it unstretched ALL the way or is it still a little stretched?"  "YES IT'S STILL A LITTLE STRETCHED!", I screamed in my head while pasting a smile on my face.  Although it was probably more of a sneer....  "Yeah, it still looks big enough that we can pretend there's a baby in there.", he said with much satisfaction.

I've also been told that my breath is "interesting" on more than one occassion.  Usually after coffee or garlic, but there have been a time or two that he has mentioned it after I have had a nice long face to face with one of his teachers, or a new neighbor, or even (GASP) my UPS boyfriend.

At least he's keeping  me  on my toes.  I never quite know whether to expect the compliment of my life or an observation that will send me to bed with the vodka.

In the end, isn't that the roller coaster we signed up for when we made this little human?  One minute you're basking in their adoration and the next, you're just the servant who wipes their ass.  In my opinion, it's the perfect metaphor for life.

Thanks for the life lesson Harrison.  Keep 'em coming.


What demoralizing things have your kids said to you?  What's the best compliment they've ever given?  I want to hear your stories!   

HARRISONISMS (OF THE WEEK)

We're still trying to survive a move.  Again let me apologize for withholding the Harrisonisms.  Don't worry though.  They've been in no short supply, and many have been about the "birds and bees".

• "Mommy, could you give me a little napping privacy please?"

• "MOMMY! A package came!  I bet it's filled with money and gizmos!!"

• "Did Daddy ask you before he put my special baby seed in your belly?"

• "How did I get out of your belly anyway?"  

(Me-taking a good long beat to word this correctly) "Well, sweetie...mommies have a special opening that stretches wide so their babies can come out."

(Harrison- holding his hands up in an O shape)  "Was it your vagina?"

(Me-trying not to run away) "...........yes.  (throat clearing) Yes it was."

"OK."

• (upon walking in to see two horses mating on a nature show)  "Well, I've never seen that before."
• (walking in on me peeing)  "Hey there.  I'll just keep you company a little bit."

• "Will you always be my best friend?"

• (while helping me get the house ready to show) "Ooooooooh, these people are just going to LOVE our house."

• "I feel pretty angry and frustrated right now." (sigh)

• (after falling and scraping his knee)  "I'm afraid you're going to have to carry me from now on."

To see more HARRISONISMS follow me today and SHARE with a friend or 400.

BUT MY FAT-PANTS ARE TOO TIGHT!

I am a foodie.  A major one.  I believe the psychological term is "emotional eater" but let's don't get all technical about it.  The point is that I LOVE food.  I do not love exercising.  The result is that
I'm...not precisely (or even closely)  my pre baby weight even though my "baby" is four.  It really sucks.

Yes, yes, I know I'm supposed to be proud of my post baby body and what it has accomplished.  I'm supposed to proudly wear a bikini with no shame and embrace the much curvier me.  I'm not supposed to use that dirty "fat" word or make deprecating jokes about my jiggly bits.  COME ON!  Have you met me?  Self deprecation is my default.  Besides, what is funnier than fat?  It rolls and shimmies and pops out in weird places.

Funny as I find it, I do not enjoy my fat.  I do not enjoy the pressure of boob against stomach when I slump over.  I do not enjoy the way my belly muffins out of the top of any and all pants.  I do not enjoy the near combustion that is caused by my thighs rubbing together.

So, you're probably asking me "Well, what are you going to do about it?".  That's the problem.  I don't want to do anything about it.  I want to be thin like a twelve year old boy and still eat an entire sheet cake.  Every day.  Why does the system have to be calories in/calories out?  I just don't think that's fair.  Which makes me frustrated.  Frustration makes me feel overwhelmed.  Feeling overwhelmed makes me feel...HUNGRY.

I will probably never stop planning to eat better and exercise more, but I will definitely never stop indulging my sweet teeth.  That's right.  Teeth.  As in the plural of tooth because I don't have a sweet tooth.  I have a set.  My weight will most likely always fluctuate between periods of motivation and then the lack thereof.

As of today, my fat-pants are too tight, but I think I'll go eat a cheeseburger.  You should do the same.

THE LIEBSTER HAS COME.

So Apparently there is a thing called the Liebster Award.  Rudimentary blogger that I am, I was unaware until Adrianne at Oilfield Wife Life was kind enough to nominate me.  Thank you Adrianne!!

It seems the Liebster is an award that gets passed around through your fellow bloggers.  It gets the word out about new and upcoming blogs you may not have heard about.  There are a few rules that must be followed should you choose to accept your award.  And WHO doesn't want to accept an award?!?  

First you must answer a few questions that were prepared for you by the blogger who nominated you.  In turn you will ask some "get to know you" questions of the bloggers you nominate.  You should then nominate eight small blogs (under 200 followers), that you personally enjoy, to receive the Liebster as well.  Then just inform the lucky nominees, ask them their set of interview questions, and voila! You have validated your fellow bloggers hard work.

There are those who view this award as a chain letter of sorts.  To them I say "ridiculous!"  You are just receiving acknowledgment for your blog and choosing to acknowledge blogs you like.  Pass the love, man!

Now, on to completing my interview.  Adrianne has asked me the following:

1) How did you come up with your blog name?

This one's easy and that's a good thing because I'm not that bright.  My son's name is Harrison.  I write all about my experiences surviving him.  Therefore, you have it- Raisingharrison.blogspot.com otherwise known as LAZY SUNDAY MY ASS.  Again for obvious reasons.  When was the last time you enjoyed a lazy Sunday with a  toddler?  Mmmm, hmmmm.  I thought so.

2) Do you still live in the town you grew up in?

Dear god NO!  I blew that popsicle stand at eighteen.

3) What is your guilty pleasure?

Alcohol in copious (although responsible) amounts.  Copious.

4) What is one place you would like to travel that you have not already been?

Ooooooh, this is a good one.  I want to go EVERYWHERE.  Diving the Barrier Reef is high on my list.  I also want to dive with sharks!!

5) What is your favorite place to shop online?

I am a full fledged Amazon junkie.  We get packages on our doorstep almost daily. 

6) If you could meet anyone (dead or alive) who would it be?

IF he ever lived, I'd love to meet Jesus and find out if he thinks it's  bat shit crazy that people live their whole lives around what he supposedly said and did.

7)  If you could use only one word to describe yourself, what would it be?

Snarky.  I wish it was something like elegant, but that is just NOT an apt description.

8)  How long have you been blogging?

I guess about a year and a half now.  Shouldn't I be getting more freakin' traffic by now?

9)  How many languages can you speak?

That depends on what you mean by "speak".  I'll claim fluent English.  I took two years of Spanish and I know how to ask for a restroom just like a local.  I also speak "Harrison".  You may be unfamiliar.  It's my son's special- I'm so angry all anyone can hear is screeching language.  I'm an expert decipher-er.

10)  What did you want to be when you grew up?

A marine biologist.  Or at least a fake one like George Costanza.

Now drum roll please.........................

I nominate the following blogs for the auspicious Leibster Award as well:

• Divine secrets of a domestic diva

• Not your average mom

• Motherhood WTF

• First time mom and dad

• How to survive life in the suburbs

• The pregnancy diaries

• Unpinterested Mom

• Just another manic momday 

I hope you all choose to accept your awards!  Here is your list of questions from one blogger to another:

1)  What's the most humiliating thing you've ever admitted via blogging?

2)  Who is your absolute favorite blogger?

3)  Blogging- hard work or free therapy?

4)  How personally do you take your blog comments (or lack thereof)?

5)  What topic have you always wanted to blog about but fear the implications?

6)  Do you attempt to avoid controversial topics while blogging?

7)  Has a fellow blogger's piece ever caused you to do a spit take while reading?  Who?

8)  How much time do you devote to your blog?

9)  What initially inspired you to start a blog?

10)  Name your biggest pet peeve.

I hope to hear back from you all.  Enjoy the nominations!

If you enjoy my blog FOLLOW ME ON FACEBOOK!

SCREW YOU TONSILS

 If you keep up with our family saga and you're wondering why I haven't blogged lately, let me just enlighten you.  I'm clearly a masochist.  This month we scheduled Harrison to have his tonsils and adenoids out.  Since he is only 4, he can only have tylenol and ibuprofen for the pain.  They typically give narcotics for that surgery.   Our surgeon very clearly let me know that this was going to be a horrific experience.

Ok, so since that terrified me to my soul, I apparently thought it would also be fun to move.  We've been planning to move for a while and I kind of accidentally/ on purpose found us a house.  So we bought it.  Now we are trying to sell ours and prepare to move.

The last two weeks have looked like this...Get up and clean the house until it looks so fantastic I don't want to move anymore, load up my pissed off, surgery recovering son and get out of the house for hours so people can come look at it.

Do you know how much fun it is to entertain a sick and angry 4yr old (mostly in the car) for hours at a time?  It's not even a little fun.  In fact, it is an exercise in maintaining sanity.  It turns out that while I thought Harrison's surgeon was being quite dramatic, he was actually downplaying how awful this would be.  A lot.

Another great sanity busting activity is trying to talk a tiny man into taking medicine he doesn't want. Harrison may only weigh about 36lbs, but I swear he is as strong as a rhinoceros.  During his recovery I am getting to re-experience the sleep deprivation that comes with a newborn.  Every thirty minutes, I wake to hysterical screaming.  Unlike an infant, when Harrison gets hysterical, I cannot pick him up and comfort him.  He's like an angry honey badger when he's hurting.  You have to try and be maternal and compassionate while maintaining your defenses.  Let your guard down for a second and you're getting a black eye.

So, that's what we are up to.  I thought I should fill you in on the horror I am currently enduring.  Hopefully, you will hear from me again soon.  If I survive the next few weeks, I will blog from our new house while my recovered son gallops around our backyard.  If things don't get better soon, maybe they will give me occasional computer access in the asylum and I'll check in with you from there.

See ya when I see ya.

RUN AWAY...BUT NOT TOO FAST.

I am multiple states away from Harrison right now.  Tomorrow it will be eleven days since I've seen him.  By the time I get to him later this week, we will have been apart for two weeks.   If you are lucky, like I am, to have someone in your life who you trust implicitly with your child, then I think time away from them is good for both of you.

I know I will be will a better, more patient, more rested mom when I get back home to my little guy.  I also know that the vacation he is having is made of pure grandparent- fairy dust and summertime joy.  He is staying up late...  Getting his way...  Eating too much sugar.

He's doing all the things you do when mom is away.  I cherish that for him.  He is making memories right now that will be with him for a lifetime.  His lifetime.  His own little personal life.  How is that possible?  How is it that he continues to exist without me?

I think moms can forget that even though their children are born of their astonishing and all consuming love, their children are only "theirs" for a time.  Already, I am seeing glimpses of who Harrison is going to be.  The amazing thing to me, is that I really am just a stepping stone to where he will go.

He is going to need and want me less as he grows.  It has already begun.  That's the whole point of this child rearing thing right?  We make the person.  We house the person.  We try to teach the person to be good and decent.  Then...we let go.

I think it will be the hardest thing I ever do;  that releasing.  I don't know if I'll be very good at it.  I fear I may cling.  I will probably advise where advice is not requested.  I will probably hug too long and call too much.

I will definitely love too hard, if there is such a thing.  But, I am practicing.  I am learning right along with my boy.  He is learning to become a man and I am learning to let it happen.

So for just a couple more days, I am going to stretch myself.  I'm going to focus on who I am when I'm not busy being mom,  and I'm going to let Harrison enjoy a few more days of his mommy independence.  

Then I'm going to get him back and squish him until he can't breathe.  He's still mine for a few more years after all.






How well do you handle time away from your little people?  I want your tips!

If you enjoyed this post SHARE IT!  Go vote for me at Top Mommy Blogger.