Wednesday, June 4, 2014


I had just finished shopping at Lowe's for some shelving and was headed back out to my car, when a little Honda started backing out of a parking space across the aisle.  It was one of those tiny clown car Hondas.  The Fit, I think?

Anyway, you know how you walk along the parking row just behind the back bumpers of the cars on one side of the row and watch out for any cars backing out in the row across from you?  That's exactly what I was doing.

I saw the car start up.  I saw the driver begin backing out.  I had an enormous aisle to traverse and was unconcerned that the car was moving.  I watched the car continue to back up.  And back up.  Annnnnnd back up.  And back up some more.  

I was now walking  about eight feet away and could tell the driver wasn't even looking behind him as he continued to back into the aisle.  I picked up the pace in an attempt to get out of the way.  Then, as the car still showed now sign of stopping, I started to really hustle.  There was no where for me to go but forward.

The driver apparently wasn't going to be satisfied with his backup until he kissed bumpers with the cars opposite his parking space.  The only problem was that I was behind him.  Having backed out as far as possible without turning the car, the driver continued to backup in a curve along the opposite row of cars.  He narrowly avoided scraping another car's bumper and blindly continued to back up.

I now had absolutely no idea where the hell this guy was going, but he was going there backwards and picking up speed.  He was now effectively chasing me down the aisle, I was alternating running with my shopping cart and looking back over my shoulder so that I could watch myself get run down.

Just as the car's back bumper was about a foot behind me, the driver suddenly stopped.  "Good god in heaven, he almost got me!"  I thought.  I was standing there stunned when he rolled his window down and started screaming at me.  Interesting.

Here's where the absurd became comical and the comical became absurd.  The driver was furious and calling me names.  "IDIOT!!" he kept shouting, because apparently I was really getting in the way of his stunt driving.  He was so mad that his whole face was red.  Frankly, it was a lot of face.

I would not usually comment on the fact that a person is obese.  However, this man was not just obese.  He was an obese asshole.  An obese asshole driving a very tiny car.

That's when it happened.  I hulked out.  A Heather Hulk, if you will.

I began shouting every obscenity I could conjure.  I ran over to the little clown car and started pounding my fist on the back window.  Then I pounded on the side panel.  Then....I  punched the fat man right in his mean fat face.

Ok, not really.  That is absolutely what was happening in my mind, but in reality I was too shocked and confused by his behavior to react.  Plus I felt snort laughter coming on.  The guy was gesticulating wildy out of the open window, and he was so enormous that it looked like he was dancing around in a car costume.

I guess the moral of the story is:  Don't attempt to cross a Lowe's parking lot if you see a red faced fat man in a Flinstone car.  There.  I hope I saved you a similar experience.

Do you have any parking lot stories that ended badly?  I know you do, so share them with us!

If you enjoyed this post SHARE IT or I will send the clown car man to get you.  Honk Honk.

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