Monday, April 21, 2014


There is a child in Harrison's life that is roughly my size.  I'm not going to name names or even the source of their interaction, lest I have to explain to the boy's parents that this post is indeed about their little amazon.

"Little amazon" is a fabulous oxymoron, isn't it?  I love an oxymoron.  I do not love the little amazon.  He is a bully and recently has been focusing his bullying prowess upon my child.  MY CHILD!  Doesn't he know which kids have crazy parents?!?

I know that kids can be mean and I know that Harrison has to learn to deal with all kinds of people, but I really want to kick this kid in the shins.  I'm really having to fight a 'Hand That Rocks the Cradle' moment.  You know, where Rebecca De Mornay's character confronts little Emma's bully on the playground?

"Confronts" is a gentle word for what she does.  She  maybe-kinda assaults the kid and verbally terrorizes him.  Whatever.  That's what I'm trying not to do.  I WON'T GO BACK TO PRISON!

Just kidding.  I've never been to prison.  If I did ever have to go, I would not become someone's bitch.  Instead, I would "eat the bear".  Isn't that what they call it when a new person comes to the cell block and takes on the biggest and meanest person there, just to make an impression?  Well, that would be my strategy for prison survival.  I would be internally peeing myself with fear, but acting vicious and willing to rumble on the outside.

It's an effective way to deal with a bully.  I haven't used it in prison, but I have used it.  When I was about twelve, there was a girl at my school that scared the bejeezus out of me.  She was fourteen feet tall (in my memory), weighed in at about two tons, and had fists the size of watermelons.

So my smart mouth managed to get me on her shit list and she had publicly sworn to demolish me.  I've never been so scared.  Just the week before, I had watched her pummel another girl.  I'm not talking about a hair pulling fight here.  I'm talking about an MMA style thrashing.  She flung her opponent to the ground, straddled her, and pounded her in the face until there was blood EVERYWHERE.

Now she was going to do the same to me.  I don't know if it was the adrenaline or the terror or both, but I felt suddenly inspired to try and bluff my way out.  I started acting even crazier than usual.  I told people I couldn't wait to fight Goliath!  I jumped around and pounded my chest.  I slapped my own face and screamed "BRING IT!"

I'll never know if my act actually scared her off or if she thought I was so funny that she didn't have the heart to kill me.  I suspect the later.  Either way, we actually became friends.  She told me that no one ever stood up to her and that from then on she "had my back".

So, I lived to smart mouth another day.

It may not be extraordinary parenting advice, but it's what I've got.  I've explained to Harrison that he is to follow three steps when confronted with a bully.  If hit, he is to:

1)  Tell the hitter that THERE IS NOOOOOO HITTING!

If hit again, he is to:

2)  Tell a grownup that he is being hit.

If hit yet AGAIN, he is to:

3)  Punch that kid in the face.

So, if your kid comes home with a black eye and says Harrison did it, you might just ask your precious wee one, what he did to deserve it, eh?

Do you give your kids an exception to the no fighting rule?  What do you tell them about fighting?

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  1. My rule used to be don't ever start it but don't hesitate to finish it. Now it's curl up and protect your vitals; because bruises heal, but Mama and her lawyer are gonna send someone to jail for assault.

    1. That sounds like an effective strategy as well!