Sunday, September 15, 2013


If you've never put your child in time out to save them from your homicidal wrath, then you are:

A) employing a full time nanny (possibly several)
B) taking enough prescription drugs to euthanize a hippo
C) full of shit (you big fat liar)

That's right. Let's fess up. Sometimes you want to shiv your little darling. It's ok parents! We all feel that way at times. That doesn't mean you don't love your kiddo. The truth is that children can be infuriating.

Yesterday I just barely stopped myself from telling Harrison to "COME AT ME BRO!" Just. Barely. I know I'm supposed to be above all that because I am, after all, the grown up in this altercation. Never mind that minute detail. Focus with me, instead, on the insubordination of this child!

It started out as a typical negotiation. Harrison wanted juice. I was offering milk. Harrison kicked things up a notch with an irate "NO!  I want juice!!"  I calmly repeated that his drink option was milk and added a reminder for him to speak nicely to mommy.

My little sweetheart did not heade my advice. Instead, he held up a tiny finger and screamed "I AM GOING TO COUNT TO THREE!"  The little buggar was going to put ME in time out!  I don't know what your childhood was like, but I wouldn't have DREAMED of turning the disciplinary tables on my parents. Huh uh. No way. Not if I wanted to sleep in the house.

Derek and I have devised a plan for the inevitable day that Harrison takes his liberties too far. It will probably come when he's going through puberty and all common sense is overruled by testosterone. He will decide one day to tell me he hates me.  He might even test out a "why do you have to be such a bitch?!?"   Well, when he crosses that  line with me, I am going to make him fear for his very soul.

I will jump out at him, like a rabid spider monkey, hissing and clawing. Derek will "hold me back" to protect our beloved offspring from his suddenly crazy mother.

Now, the truth is that I would absolutely never lay a hand on my son. EVER. But I'm not above letting him THINK  I will!

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